Say Something

"Stay." he said. 

Or rather, he did not "say" but he pleaded. 

as if it were a question,

rather a request.

And that one word caused a colossal sleeping beast inside me to stir.

  That simple change in the word, "stay"

changed every thought i ever had about this person. 

No-- this man.

And this man no longer knew what it was about him that made me crazy 

because I no longer knew myself.

The crucial comprehension between 

wanting 

and needing

was now warped into one con-jointed feeling.

A feeling that had no definition

nor escape.

And a feeling i found myself both cursing 

and adoring. 

A feeling that left me entirely 

bewildered

and enchanted.

A feeling i never knew until now,

 but made me wonder what life was ever like without it!

Was it even fair that a feeling like this could change a person

entirely without warning or remedy?

No.

No, I don't suppose it was.

(k.b)

Wrote This Letter Today...

Dear Future Planner of Powder Puff,

The first thing I did when planning Powder Puff was stress. That was the worst mistake I could’ve made. I stressed about deadlines. I stressed about budgeting. I even stressed about playing in the actual game. But then, something hit me. I learned something in the middle  of my planning that changed my thinking completely. But something you must learn and you will learn after planning your first event by yourself, is that stress brings you NO WHERE and is COMPLETELY avoidable. I know as teenagers, we often procrastinate and put things off to the last minute, but if you want real advice: JUST DON’T DO THAT!

A true leader is someone who acts responsibly in order to be treated respectably. If you truly acquire to become a true leader, you must act as one. Learn to give yourself room to make mistakes, but never let them slip your fingers and out the door! Learn from your mistakes and failures! Use them to your advantage! Without them, they are pointless--a waste of your time and life. I was once told that if I wanted to be a true leader than I had to learn to take criticism and use it to my advantage. Though I agree that works to some degree, I found that the best formula to making a true leader was not negative slashes in your armor, but polish and remedy to it. What I’m really trying to say is, positivity works wonders on yourself. If you replaced every cutting criticism or negative thought that anyone ever gave you, and instead replaced it with a positive thought, you could do anything.

I know what you are thinking, cliché, right? WRONG. A little seed in the cold earth doesn’t grow from thorns and weeds does it? It grows from warmth and sunlight. It requires nurture and care, not crushing and bruising. If you step on a flower and then tell it to grow, will it? No, I’ll tell you it won’t. So don’t ever be hard on yourself, only push yourself. Tell yourself you can and you will.  I know what it is like to fail. Everyone does. But if I only reflected on what I did wrong, I would never be able to see and grow from the things I did right! Always be positive and remember to keep growing and excelling! You are on Student Council for a reason. You wear that jacket because others look up to, right? So don’t spend another day worrying what could go wrong and only be excited about what could go right!

Never put that sweater to shame.

Now go out there and strut your stuff!

Sincerely,

Kiersten P. Benson

{2013-2014 Art Director}

Dancing Soon Becomes Romancing

January 2, 2014

1:07PM

Thurs

Dancing Soon Becomes Romancing

There we were amidst a crowd of frozen people twirling madly, stuck inside a world millions of miles away from our own. I didn't know he was there at first, I was simply stuck in a sea of people feeling dreadfully alone and then--he was there. First, he was just a blur to me, a mere shadow flickering undecidedly against a wall, but then he stopped and somehow his eyes reached mine and unexplainably I knew they'd somehow been searching for me. My heart told me to go to him and my feet felt the same encouragement, but my head sighed a simple "no". I saw him gently gliding towards me as this quarrel  inside me continued on, ultimately resulting in a racing heartbeat and a nervous hand. We reached out for each other, but someone or something was pulling me back. I felt a hand reach around my waist and turned to see a face I'd never known. He asked me to dance, but I gave no answer finding no voice to give him one.

He spun me around madly like the other couples in the room and dipped with gentle ease, but it was not a dance I'd ever loved. This dance was fast and dizzy and it wasn't long until I felt the emptiness of not dancing with him seep in and I felt my heart begin to burst beneath the lace draped across my chest. He dipped me again, but when I returned, the face no longer belonged to the man I did not know no care about, but belonged to him. His hands rested gently on my back and waist and twirled me sweetly around until our beautiful dance finally began. 

Sweet music found our ears and encouraged my great white dress to twirl in beautiful drapes of snow and elegant lace. My hair was once swirled up in grace and refinement but now whipped carelessly about the grand ballroom in smooth auburn curls. It trickled down my exposed back whenever we slowed to a gentle breeze and suddenly it was as if we were the only people in this ballroom that still had a heartbeat racing for each other. My heels clicked as my eyes smiled sweetly into his, swallowing up his perfection. His tender hand caressed my cheek and then my back, pulling me closer to his sturdy chest and lovely heartbeat. His eyes were surely pulsing into my own, but they seemed to be doing so much more. They told a story and sang a beautiful song only I could hear. They loved me immensely and it was in that moment of faultless bliss that I knew I'd never be parted from those eyes unless within a kiss or a dream. 

Our hands held each other deeply, knitting our fingers together snuggly and before I knew it, his somehow escaped mine and found themselves gently behind my neck, pulling me in closer than I ever deemed imaginable. At last I left those eyes and felt his kiss upon my lips that pulsed through out my entire body and left me aching for more. We held each other so close, so sweetly that I never wanted to let this moment go. Time withered away and I found not a single soul besides our own dwelling in this ballroom all a-glow, so softly we spun towards the balcony and then, the stars cheered in delighted bliss as we both feel softly and subtly in love with each other, wrapping the stars around us until we knew with real certainty we'd never let each other go ever again. 

The End. 

A Man Named Death

December 10, 2013

Tuesday 

10:57PM

The pangs of the piano 

beat softly and subtly into the quiet chambers 

of her aching heart...

Her fingers danced along its slender keys and begged for refuge in its quiet melody.

Another day went by without him.

Another night alone in her big bed.

Another dreamless night of sulking nightmares and drenching feelings, all tucked secretly away in her small quiet music box. 

Scaly fingers trace the outline of the swirling letters written on scratchy paper, pillowing tears and words she'll never hear again.

Her head rests gently on the desk, but she's fast asleep for once tonight. 

No regrets will pillage her thoughts tonight; one night of real rest is finally granted.

She was never supposed to love him. 

He was never supposed to be her match. 

We all make mistakes sometimes, but mine costed me an eternity of regret. 

My name is Death and regret is not a feeling I have ever felt, until the night I took her lover in the cold. 

His name, I will not grant to you, seeing it is a name I now and eternally will fear and regret as long I dwell in life. 

Memories swam through the dark and quickly she remembered what the first time they met looked and felt like:

The snow was flurrying, the shops were glowing and somehow she found herself amidst a sea of strangers and unhappy faces unwilling to reach a hand to her. 

Tears were welling up, but did so in vain. 

A man, a tall and dark haired man, made his way towards her and offered out his hand. 

That was where I made my first mistake.

The cancer had just begun its work, but it wasn't moving fast enough to stop this meeting never destined to be.  

They talked and laughed and soon fell in love. 

Deep, deep love that could never be severed no matter how hard I tried. 

I took her mother, his father and a younger brother too, but still their love remained. 

His cancer soon grew stronger, but their love did just the same. 

They loved and loved and held to each other far tighter than I ever feared they would. 

The prayers she said couldn't be ignored either, but I tried to push them out. 

Her pleas. 

Her sobs. 

Her silent selflessness.

They all were building regrets. 

Finally, the night had come to take his soul, the man she'd grown to love far stronger than I'd ever seen before. 

He held her hand as tight as he could, but she held his much tighter. 

She tried to stop me. 

She begged and begged to stop this dreadful thing from coming and willed herself to gable. 

Between the streaming tears she cried, "Take me! Take me instead! A life without my love, even a life of eternity will be nothing to me now! Please...please..."

It was in that moment I took his soul, but it came much easier than I anticipated. 

He greeted with a smile for me and kiss for her and left as an unlikely friend. 

That was when the feeling came. 

The feeling I had messed things up. 

I tempered with life and now life would get back at me and this poor woman by forcing us to mourn for eternity until they were once again reunited. 

Her breathes were slowing now, as they always did when their hair spun silver and snow. 

Her hands clutched the music box he made for her many, many years ago and breathed its final melody of love and then without a moment hesitation, I took her soul at last. 

She came so easy, I barely breathed 'hello' and then she was off to her dear love awaiting her. 

They hugged and cried and smiled widely, making each other whole again. 

Suddenly, in that moment of reunion, a new and strange feeling awoke inside me for the first time. 

Another feeling these lovers had provoked. 

It felt...warm and friendly. 

A dreadful feeling to a man named Death, but strangely, I found it cleansing. 

This feeling made me new. 

I cried my first tears ever before,

Quickly walked away and never looked back again. 

(k.b.)

http://www.cliffsnotes.com/literature/b/the-book-thief/book-summary

What If I Deserved You?

December 5, 2013

9:46PM

Thursday

Something always brings me back to you.
I'm trapped inside your gravity, with no hope of escape.
Your eyes were never supposed to be beautiful.
I learned to love them unwillingly.
You held me closer than I ever dared imagine and somehow I did too.
I can't seem to let you go, but I tell myself I have to.
The flush, the fluster you caused inside me;
It's always a battle in my heart.
The question always haunting:
Do I want you?
Do I need you?
Your eyes, again, they pierce;
Cutting to my very soul.
There is no end to you.
Though I scarcely hope for things of you, then later curse myself in tears.
The tears were always for the weak;
Yet, here they come unceasingly.
 I never should have met you.
I wish the past was past.
If there was ever a moment I didn't think of you, I'd bravely take it back.
I never did deserve you, or so I had been told.
The worst of the pain was never from your heart, but from my own.
My walls were higher than a simple climb, yet you broke them down with gentle ease.
How I wish to kiss you, but then again--I don't.
I can't.
It would be agony to ever see your face again.
Or feel you hands around me.
Your smile is nothing but a weakness to me now.
I watch the snow in silence.
I pray to the one who will always listen.
The moon cries along with me, aching almost as much I do.
They say that love was for the happy;
Then why do I find myself in pain?
The mirror always haunts me.
The memories scar the walls.
Is this what real love is?
I refuse to ever know.
We all have White Demons we must face;
 I never thought mine would be in you.
From first glances to melting hearts, I pray to let you go.
If I could ever deserve you, I would.
The very thought of you sets my heart in a rage of broken shapes.
A melody of monotony is all thats settles in the end.
Why did you have to be so wonderful?
Without your warmth, I could be alone.
I would have nothing to get over or leave forgotten.
Deep inside my heart I know I'll always want you.
I don't want to;
But I will.
My strength is failing.
You're coming to me now.
If I could ever find the words, I'd say them loudly in your ear.
I'd smile to your eyes, withdraw the truth and leave without a tear.
But you smile, damaging my heavily laden armor to practically nothing.
You whisper words I never knew I ached to hear until I did.
You're song is all that I can hear inside my heart.
The tears begin to fall, more readily this time.
You keep my secrets all to die.
The promises you make:
To never hurt me.
Never leave me.
I try to push them out, but I know that they are true.
Why I try to hide, I'll never know.
My heart is not a toy.
My feelings are too fragile.
I portray the role of strength, but find I have none left.
My eyes now trace along the floor.
You lift my chin in breathless agony.
Those eyes--they pierce.
They melt and crush and curse and smile.
They laugh at my pain, yet cry inside my heart.
They'll always be a ghost to me.
They used to find me in my dreams.
Eyes that wanted me.
But now, I'm not so sure.
I was never sure of anything.
I never let myself be free.
Sweet freedom is all I want.
To find a way to love and not be angry.
To sleep and not be lonely.
To watch and disagree happily.
If I could let myself love you, I know I would be happy.
The truth is staring down my face.
It's you.
It was always you.
I let you in at long awaited last.
Sweet freedom is all I taste.
Your kiss, your lips;
 Your very soul.
You've made me free at last.

(k.b.)

The Thief of Time

Scattered things along the table:

An old withered globe of lands long forgotten.  

Scattered sheets of instructive paper.

A bag of half eaten blueberries that were always her favorite.

Pencils dropped and itching for a good draw or long write.

The lamp is burning, but does so happily. 

A crumbled paper that whispers "ALL ALONE IN THIS"

A firm twisted holiday ribbon cries itself to sleep, for the lack thereof of attention.

Two old cards, blank and forgotten. 

The phone is flipped over, though she knows she has a message waiting for her on the other side.

She wonders what they are for, the letters I mean.

The keys are hard to type with, though they make her happy. 

The way they "click click" and "stick" bring her joy.

Her eyes wander about the room in search for something to write about. 

The window is always  a good place to start. 

Then again, so is the slightly ajar closet that screeches for attention.

The door is also open, though it strikes no interest in her. 

Small voices travel through the room in a gentle hum. 

Sometimes, she silently cries, but always finds her comfort in this room.

A precious movie ticket sleeps in her pocket.

Her leg is always falling asleep.

And now she has to leave.

A stack of books threaten to tempt her, to consume her and to lull her to sleep in a gentle rush. 

She comes back. 

The dog's asleep, as she wishes she someday could be.

The lights are hushed.

The house is still.

She caught the bright stars tonight, and wished that she could see them.

This love affair between them was never going to last.

But she wished it could.

The music slumbers 'til the sunrise.

She cries herself to sleep.

The bed is stuffy, choking her in mid-dream.

The dream catcher has failed her as of late and she desperately wishes it wouldn't.

She kicks, claws and wills herself to cry.

The tears never come.

The alarm clock stays silent.

Her clouds are slipping now.

The books upon her self are dusting, begging for release.

A long forgotten sketch book, some paints and old journal rest on top the basket.

She aches for solitude.

The woods are calling her, but not loud enough to tempt her.

The Autumn had deceived her.

She misses her old dreams.

To run. 

To climb.

To sing a dreadful song.

Her memories now are failing her, she rushes in the dark.

A man, her lover, waits for her.

She knows he isn't far.

The eyes. 

The lips.

Her very soul.

He wants to keep her close.

She cries again, and leaves him lost.

They quest their separate ways.

The swirling steam of on old rusty train brings hope and faith at last.

New life, more purpose is what calls her name again.

An old wooden desk, worn from ache and sorrow, remains her only friend.

The paper, the pen, the withered globe are always there to stay.

They greet with smiles, though they mean no harm.

Her eyes will wander once again.

The window is shut.

The curtains are drawn.

She's gone her separate way.

Another tear she wipes away.

Another friend she makes in words, for she knows they will never betray her.

Her dear sister laughs a sweet laugh from the corner.

She runs her fingers through her hair.

Two dolls, alone but not forgotten, sleep and slumber in utter bliss.

The lamp still burns, most happily.

The dust still dances on the keys, sticking to her words.

The books.

The clock.

Forgotten things.

She finds her way again.

(k.b.)

November 30th, 2013

Friday Night at 10:40PM

On a night full of bright stars she wished 

she could watch. 

  

White Demon

November 23, 2013

10:09PM

And then he was gone.

Just like that.

His cold amber eyes haunted every dream I ever had now and threatened to consume my soul entirely.

I imagined a cold, gripping hand collapsed around my heart and felt its pressure increasing the more I thought of him and his lying eyes I once learned to trust.

But I couldn’t help it.

He made me love him.

Its taken me a lifetime to realize I truly have no say in what my heart wants to feel and what it wishes to do.

I am merely a body for a soul.

A burden for the beast.

A hunt in the kill of my entire being.

It pays a debt to live inside me though, with breaths and lungs and blood flowing through my stretching veins.

But I paid a debt in return to it as well; I gave it my whole soul and every feeling I ever had before I even learned what love was.

It tricked me.

It always pulled the rug before my feet could even tap its fragile patterns.

Would I ever find peace?

Is there no way to love without a consuming debt that feeds the pain but starves the heart?

An ocean of tears and I know it isn’t so.

True love has never existed in my life, and never will unless I learn to let it go.

Like a drifting balloon against a concrete sky, I will prevail.

Afterall, I am the master of my fate.

I am the creator of my own catastrophe.

I am a sinking ship that has no odds of surviving without the help of the White Demon, of which we all fall in love with.

His captivating hands will leave me breathless and eventually salvage my dying soul.

Someday he will set me free.

Someday I will trade my heart for him and then be happy.

Someday,

White Demon.

Someday White Demon.

(k.b.)

Carpe Diem "Sieze The DAY!"

Two words: Carpe Diem.
What do they mean?
"Sieze the day."
What does that mean?
Well, I don't know. I simply know what it means to me.
Carpe Diem is a motto of freedom, but it is one that you must learn for yourself.
Like 'Todd' we must all learn to find our voice. For some, we are like 'Neil" and we already have our voice. But for me, I am much like a Todd. Why?
Because I am afraid. I fear that which I do not know. I fear defeat. And I fear to fail.
Someone once taught me that in order to truly succeed in life, you must first fail.
Here's what I've found out about that philosophy: Two things:
1. If you are to first fail in order to then succeed, then you must first attain bravery.
2. After you have attained bravery, you must then learn to find yourself.
So really, if you think about it, the motto isn't to first fail then success will follow. NO! The motto is actually no motto at all, but a choice. FIRST you must choose courage. Ridiculous, insane and positively fatuous courage that is humiliating, but also advantageous. Then, once you find your courage, you realize you cannot find yourself next because once you found your courage, you already found yourself.
SIMPLIFY:
There is no motto. Failure does not bring success. Courage within yourself is yourself.
Carpe Diem.
Sieze the day!
What does that even mean now?
Well, I'll tell you it means courage is what reveals yourself and yourself is whoever you want it to be.
Be fatuous.
Be ridiculous.
Be sophisticated.
Be spontaneous.
Be absolutely, unreservedly, and utterly courageous.
Remember: Your courage is yourself.
Carpe Diem.
Sieze the day.
You may spend a million lifetimes telling yourself you'll "seize the day" another day.
Seizing the day happens this day.
You sieze the day now, or spend a lifetime wondering how it would have been if only you did.
CARPE DIEM.
Seize The Day.
(And that day is today!!)

(k.b.)

2:44AM
November 23, 2013
SAT (FRI)

The Lion and the Roar

October 31, 2013

5:58PM

Thursday

I felt him coming. 

His rhythmic breathing echoed in my head. 

I tried to call out--but my voice was drifting away. 

"Stay back!" I tried to say, but it never came out. 

I felt so helpless and pathetic.

The moment of my deepest fear was approaching and there was nothing I could do about it.

Not one thing. 

And then, suddenly he was already here--right in-front of my shaking eyes. 

His golden sunset eyes bore into mine, devouring every inch of me. 

The cold breaths from a long run were slapping against my cheeks and nose, but I paid no mind to it. 

The only thing soaring through my head right now were questions and escape routes. 

Through my flowing blood I felt the weight of fear pumping through it, until the coldness overbore me. 

After an endless moment of heavy breathing, it finally ceased to a quiet, slumberous purr. 

I was surprise to find I wasn't shaking anymore, but peacefully sat their in calm anticipation for what this beast was planning to do with me. 

But this beast gave no room for ferreting his deep and cavernous plans. 

This beast could very well kill me on the very grave of my fading redemption. 

He could slaughter all my memories; devour every dream I ever had; and pilfer anything else that was vulnerable within me. 

But he didn't. 

He merely stared into my eyes and let his breaths rise and fall against mine. 

Then it was my turn to scrutinize his face--from his wispy whiskers tickling the pillows of my cheeks, to his thick, cascading main falling in golden-yellow tufts. 

It wasn't then that I felt brave--not just yet. 

No, the emotions coursing through my veins were anything but brave right now.

But then he did something that made me find my courage. 
He looked me in the eyes and then--He roared. 

And without warning too. 

And as his thunderous roar reached the limit of the sky, I roared too. 

I roared until I felt braver than this beast--this monster. 

And this monster I speak of, was not he golden Lion roaring to my right. 

No. 

This monster was the one inside of me, the one that died the moment I bellowed my roar louder than that Lion.

And louder than my fear. 

(k.b)

"Nostalgia"

But in the middle of my happiness i realized

that all those nostalgic moments from my past were no longer there

that the little girl who once loved to dream 

and dance 

and release her wild imagination

no longer existed.

The little girl who spent too much time in the sun

The little girl who chased dragons

and hunted fairies

and the little girl who fiercly imagined things she knew in her heart to be real

was no longer real.

No longer alive.

And there was nothing i could do to change that

no matter how much i wanted to

But deeply inserted within my aching heart

there lied a wish.

A small, but passionate wish

that i could be that little girl again.

I wished so desperately

so fiercely

that my life could somehow go back to a life

where magic and remarkable adventures filled the brief hours of the sun

That i could waste away the day

pretending to fly

and running fast enough to make my

tiny heart pound against my chest

all because i wanted to

I wished for a place

and time that  no longer belonged to me

But at a moment in my deep thinking

my wishing

turned to dreaming

Dreams that could cloud my past

and change my future 

 and come

and never leave 

And  it was then 

i knew that dreams

weren't always out of reach

At-least

not anymore.

(k.b)

Written:

October 13, 2013

 One rainy 

Sunday Afternoon

Finished:

2:54PM