It Never Can

August 16. 2013

Friday

6:12PM

Sometimes i feel sad.
Doesn't everyone?
But sometimes, on usual occasions, i feel like im the only one who feels this way.
Feeling like the people i know just don't care enough for me and my problems are just too big
and too many.
 And so i blame the world for not caring enough.
And i blame the world for my heart aching problems too.
When deep down, i know it's not the world's fault.
But my own.
Sometimes when im all alone in my room and my heart aches so badly that i don't feel like talking to a single soul, i conclude that no one will ever understand what it is like to be me or understand how i feel.
And you want to know a deep secret?
Sometimes i feel like im right.

But, sometimes I have good  days too.
Days where the sun seems to laugh along with me and the stars aren't my only friends in the world.
Days where every thing, sound, smell, and even taste seems perfectly amazing.
From the sun to the moonrise, everything is just too beautiful it's almost impossible to soak it all in.
And despite all the so called "problems" washed up from the day before, they cease to exist on days like this.
They run away from fear of happiness and never look back.

Until your good day is gone.

And the world is your enemy again, no longer your friend.

And then your heart yearns desperately, yet again, for that good day to return.
It yearns for it, like one yearns for a heart warming memory, distant, but still in reach, to return.

It longs for your problems to crash back into the ocean, but never wash back to the shore.

It aches for the sun to dance in the dusty light of an empty room, or chase the swishing clouds in the baby sky.

And then you ask yourself and beg from any willing ears to listen, what on earth you can give or do to keep this addicting happiness in your heart and never let it out.
You ask if there is a real cage to trap this yellow day within the lonely chambers of your blue heart.
And most would never know if there truly was.
Most would shake their head and leave you lost and desperate once again.

But then, at the end of all hope
At the bottom of the bottom
At the darkest part of the night
And in the emptiest of rooms

There is hope knocking on the door.

And you're too heart broken and scared to know if this hope is real or not.

But with no choice you open the door just a crack.
A crack, enough to shed some light in the darkness.
Enough to warm your skin and sooth playfully through to your heart.
Enough light, to make you crave for more.

So slowly, or for some desperately, you open the door all the way, one crack at a time until you no longer can.
And by that point your sunny day has now filled the room.
It once again plays through the empty room, dances through the dusty window, and bounces off every wall to echo its happiness through every crevasse of your no longer empty heart.
You're so warm
So protected
And so happy you feel like nothing in the world could possibly make you more joyful!

And in reality nothing can.

You found your happy day.

You lost your sorrowful one.

And never want it back again.

So you never look back, but you never regret that blasted sadness ever again.

All because you were brave enough to hold that trembling door handle and never let go until the door was never closed again.
All because you chose the light.
Never the darkness.

And you want to know a real secret?
That light is always there.
It will never leave you.

And never can.

"All I Want" Entree: Number Two

  June 26, 2013

9:00AM(ish)

All I want is a beautiful, vast garden. 

Even if I live in the city, roots will grow and life will flourish. I want  big, old trees full of memory and stories edged in every bark. Flowers will blossom in pinks, yellows, magentas, violets, blues, purples, and every color you can think of! An arch way will be dedicated to growing roses around its bending spine, allowing them to crawl all over its smooth, happy skin. I also want boxes and boxes stuffed with fresh, clean, and healthy growing vegetables side-kicked with luscious fruit trees standing guard, watching all growth as they quietly sleep.  Twinkling lights will scatter and dazzle through-out this growing haven. 

But I could never fully love this beautiful garden unless I knew I helped grow and watch over every single thing in it.

 

That is all want. A garden for me.  

  August 14, 2013

WEDNESDAY NIGHT

   The Stars

There we were beneath breathless stars, resting on top of a bouncy black trampoline,cuddling in snuggly blankets and whispering excitedly in the night. The perfect gazing spot, my backyard. It was just me, mom and dad out tonight. The rest of us fell asleep watching Chocolat so found no time for star gazing tonight (even if it was supposed to be a meteor shower!). So there we were, just us three. Apart from, of course the barking dogs and suspicious truck puttering back and forth through-out our street. We mumbled here and there, but mostly let the silent night and sleepless stars do the talking, in order for us to soak in all its glory. "Just think." I whispered once my mom stumbled back inside, leaving only me and dad. "Almost every person whose ever walked this Earth has looked at these same stars we gaze upon tonight." He mumbled back then left me to my limitless thoughts. 

We were told there was to be a meteor shower tonight, as there was the night before, but there hardly was. Yet, to our surprise, we were privileged enough to catch maybe six or seven falling stars and that was all we found. The rest of the world seemed asleep, but the stars were quite awake tonight. They twinkled and flickered and occasionally we caught some "Solar Explosions" (or at least I believe that is what they call it when a star blows up and rather than flitting across the sky, it merely flashes.)They looked like nosy camera flashes too, trying to snoop into our peaceful lives. I made a joke and told dad it must be the U.S.S Enterprise trying to contact us for help! We laughed and wrapped the stars around our hungry eyes until that was all we could see.

 The Milky Way spilled across the dark sky brightly and a lost wispy cloud kept drifting further and further way until it was no more. Every thing, sound, and feeling around me can only be described as blissful peace. The trees were still, the howls of wild dogs were very distant, and the disturbing noises of normal life stayed at bay to abandon the quiet sea full of stars just for us tonight. No cold and lonesome wind pierced our skin this night, but joined the rest of the night in a peaceful breathing slumber. Dad and I laid in silence until the stars fell asleep and moved no more. The neighbors light randomly flickered on, flooding our backyard in light and tragically blocking the stars from our view, forcing us to retreat to our beds for the late night, leaving star-lit maps upon our eyes and the windless night in our hearts.

 Everything was just right for the coming tragic end of summer on this August night. Everything was right and happy, the way life should always be and can if we but let it in. And to be completely honest with you, it is dreadfully easy to do so. If you're lost at how or where to start to let it in, begin with watching the stars every night. 

People change when they actually stop and watch the world around them move and sleep. If you don't fancy stars, then watch a growing sunrise, gaze at a full showering moon, or stretch  your thoughts towards the blue sky and create silly shapes within the clouds. Nothing has to be complicated or inconvenient, unless you want it to. God is knocking on your door and all you have to do is open it just a little crack at a time if all the way is too hard and in time He will bless you as you continue to open your door and let Him in. This I promise. Take a chance. Gaze at the stars. Open you door. 

Your life will change. 

Be a Sunny Cloud when all others demand for Rain.

We all have faults. There  isn't a person alive who doesn't. Then tell me why it seems so easy to focus on the faults of others, including the faults of ourselves? We all have felt with great realness the crushing power of insecurity. We all know deep in the quiet chambers of our heart what it feels like to walk by the dusty mirror and underneath the real filth believe to see more. We constantly tell ourselves we are not good enough for anything, or anyone and we never will be; but isn't this a lie? Is not underneath the dusty filth on the mirror something potentially beautiful? A beauty so special and so unique we cannot help but ache and long for it? Every beating heart has felt this. Every person alive or dead knows how this feels. We have all ached for this beauty and some wanted it so badly they paid the real price for it, and received it.

 It's like the clouds in the sky. Some are dark, some are light and some are in-between.  They're all secretly different but portray the same day by day. But some of the clouds are blinded. Some of them cannot except their real beauty and uniqueness from the others, so they insist on making rain when they know better. In porcelain rage they scream in anger and demand beauty now. They snap their lightning and roar their thunder thinking that is what real beauty is. But, then there are the clouds who are light. They know their beauty and their purpose in life. They stay by the sun, thriving on its light to give off their shading talents for others who maybe need a shady day. They are happy and content in the exact same blue sky as the others. And then there are also the in-between clouds who neither know their beauty, or show it. They follow either sunny clouds or stormy not knowing which is more beautiful, never  knowing their purpose in life and never knowing how to shine. 

In reality, we know we are not clouds, but our characteristics are just the same. The question is: Are we like the storm clouds who thrive and seek out false beauty or the beauty of the world? Who never see the real beauty they could have? Or could we possibly be the in-between clouds who know nothing of beauty and are lost to find it? But let us hope and pray that even if we are not the sunny cloud, we will someday try to be it. Because a sunny cloud not only cares for others deeply, but shines a deep, real beauty that can never be found in pasty make-up or concealing alterations. This beauty starts from within and in time works its way out. But this kind of beauty, once sought after does not demand a lot of time in order for it to transform. It only requires faith. Faith in oneself and faith in your God and Savior. Once you know who you are as a Daughter or Son of God, you know what real beauty is. You will see a tremendous and significant change in yourself that you never knew you could have! You no longer thrive on insecurity or false beauty that brings you nothing, but you will instead thrive on joy and peace. You will be content with yourself and you will love three certain things solely: God, yourself, and life. And most importantly, not only will you love your God, but He will love you too as He already does now. Just the way you are, guarantee. 

That is what real beauty is. 

That is you. 

Originally written: 

August 1, 2013

Thursday

10:20(ish)AM

A Light at the End of a Tunnel

      Loss. Is there any cure for it? Can a wound as deep as losing the one you love ever truely be healed? Can the icy sting of death leave a curable scar for once, instead of one that fades but never truely goes away. I want my scars to fade away completely and never plague my swollen heart again. But then again, so does every one else. Is there anyone alive who has never suffered through the pain of loss? It is my belief that everyone has been through it, but in our minds no one can ever understand what it feels like and no one ever will. Some have lost the souls of those who are most dear and close to them. Others have lost those who maybe weren't as close as losing a spouse or any family member, but close enough to make them think about life differently, or make them question what they could have done to prevent this loss from coming.

   But in the end, we know there was nothing we could do to prevent a loss, no matter the circumstance. God has a plan for all of us individually, and sometimes it's not always smooth sailing. Sometimes loss comes along to show us that the plan involves rough, but passable terrain.  We do not have to go through this life thinking we will never see our loved ones again, because this simply is not true! Why would God do that to you, when you know He loves you? Even if you don't, know now that God loves you with so much love it is not even possible for you to even comprehend why or how much so! He really does! He loves you so much that He sent you here with a family, a plan, a purpose, and a beautiful earth to fulfill it. Though we do not always understand why it is necessary to lose a love one, but we must remember these words and never question why again: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." {Isaiah 55:8-9}

   See? We do not see as God sees and insist He curses us when we lose the one we love, but in truthfulness, He does not! His ways and reasons are simply not ours, and in order to let go and heal again we must accept that. We must be willing to trust and confide in God, our Father in Heaven. See as He sees, and heal as He will heal us. 

I know what it is like to lose the ones you love. I know what is it like to ache and long for this person to be back beside you. I have walked down that lonesome and dark path before and pray as we all that I never have to again, but I realize now something I did not back then. I have God, but I also have my Savior who understand perfectly, with certain realty everything we have been through. He suffered for our sins and if you feel that no one understands what you are going through, think again and find comfort in the fact that your Savior does. He knows and can comfort you if you but let Him and His love in your life.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel but there is only one way to reach it, prayer. Pray and pray and pray again until you feel the scars wash away and feel true life coming back into your life. He will not and cannot fail you. 

These things I say and leave with you in the name of My Savior, even Jesus Christ who died, and suffered for me and for you and whom I love so dearly. Amen.

Introducing...

HEY THERE! HI THERE! 

My name is Kiersten Benson! I am 5'2", I have insanely long hair, 

and I am the biggest nerd you will ever meet!

 Why? Well for one, I LOVE Harry Potter!(seriously I could tell you sooo many pointless facts of Harry Potter you probably don't want to hear.) Like the fact I could tell you off the top of my head: the entire series of Harry Potter says, "Harry Potter" 18,956 times! Or that the Harry Potter books are translated into 67 different languages! Or that "Expecto Patronum!" translates in Latin to: "I await a guardian"! And on and on and on. You get the idea. 

                                                I love Harry Potter.

Next, you probably guessed, I read A LOT. Honestly, my family tells me daily that I am a hermit because I read WAY too MUCH. But for me, it isn't just reading. When I read, it is like the real world around me fades away as I blissfully fall and sink into the ivory pages of another world. It is a way to cleanse my cluttered thoughts of the day and forget the problems of the world, if only for a short moment, but it sure is enough for me. 

 I also am an artist! It sounds weird for me to say that sometimes, because it sounds so professional. But I am an artist. I mainly love to draw, (mechanical pencil at norm) I love water colors, and I dabble at everything else! Art is just one way I like to express and free myself. It, like reading, is therapeutic for me and makes me blissfully happy. I am only now teaching myself not to worry what others think of your art, but just make it and love it! 

I too love pretty much anything most people classify as "nerdy." Such as: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, which I ONLY watch the extended edition! (Is there even a theatrical version? I don't know.) Star Trek, and just about everything "nerdy" you "normal" people can think of. Oh and I also LOVE SLOTHS. (I'm like Kristen Bell with sloths.)

Disney is like my second religion. It is and was my entire childhood and its is probably because of Disney that I still act like a little kid! My favorite flower is a Sunflower, because it is so happy and bright! I love hot chocolate more than anything and love rainy days more than summer. Fall is my favorite season by far! It is simply beautiful and I love all the festivities and smells of fall. My undying wish is to travel the world and meet the love of my life (and if I'm lucky, I'll get to do both at the very same time!)

I am a wonderer and a curious mess! I love movies and spend a lot of time watching them! The Stars put me in absolute awe and I love them with more certainty than most. Awkward is my speciality and my family is my best friend list. 

I am a mormon. I know it. I live it. and I love it.  

Let's see...what else...OH! I am a feternal twin (just means I don't look the same as my twin!) In fact, most of the people we meet tell us we don't look anything alike, just more like sisters! But we are best friends and she is my other half. I love her so much! I have six siblings not including myself, whom I also love so dearly and sweetly, an old fluffy white dog we call Nimbus (he looks like a cloud!) and two amazing parents whom I love more than life itself! We call ourselves the Bensons. But other people probably call us crazy. 

Lastly, I am happy at life, I am a deep thinker, and creating things is my addiction. I create with words, I create with art, and I create in all I try to do! 

This is Kiersten Benson! This is ME! 

P.S. Thanks for putting up with this long introduction! 

"All I Want" Entree: Number One

 Okay, something you should know about me is that I keep a very special journal with me almost all the time and I write what means the most to me in it. Usually the journal entrees within it's ivory flower bindings are written outside, or if that isn't possible, then by a window or on my writing desk! I love using this little journal and it holds some of my favorite writings I've ever written! 

  Some of the entrees I make are what I like to call the, "All I Want" entrees. They are pretty self-explanitory judging by the name, but they are little posts I write day by day of what I really want most in that moment, or in the near future. I figure since this is my blog that I should share some of them with you from time to time...so here it goes!

June 26, 2013:
"All I want is a deep, dark rainy day, where it starts with little baby sprinkles, that turn to a heavy dumping, then grow to a shower of water. I want puddles to jump through, gutters to trudge through, and scattered footprints amongst the mucky black trail. A sea of dripping umbrellas will line the streets, and the only sound to be heard is people humming, "Singin' in the Rain" and the lulling thumps of rain drops dripping on the roof and down the windows. The only smell to smell is the beautiful, memory refreshing scent of fresh and left over rain. People will either dance under the heavens, splashing through its tears or cozy up under a soft warm ripple of a blanket with nothing but a steaming cup and a quiet fire to get them through the day. Sleepy voices will carry through the quiet rain of the night. Only a splash or two will be what remains when the morning sun peaks shyly from beneath the leaving clouds and erodes all of what was just the day before. That's all I want; the rain and me." 

Introducing...

HELLO THERE! Kiersten P. Benson's the name!

I am a total nerd. 

I keep all my letters in a secret box. 

I wish I could travel everywhere. 

I love rainy days. <3

I dance like nobody's watching!

I sing really loud and crazy!

I think I should wake up earlier. 

I really want my own cute little dog. 

I need more good books. 

I should draw more often. 

I can never stop giggling most of the time!

I like to be inspired by others. 

I make art. 

I always day dream.