Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I have a plan.

July 14, 2014
Monday
10:13PM

I can't focus any more. 
I feel as though my nerves are rising through my skin. 
You've invaded every thought I ever made.
Why can't you just be REAL? 
Where are all your bones and cells and skin?
I feel your spirit everywhere I go,
But why not your flesh?
Why not you?
The ache of loneliness is bitter, 
Tasting like the sea of dead dreams,
And broken things never meant to be fixed.
You are a wretched soul. 
A duet of all that mocks my heart.
The very heart I'll always wish belonged to you.
But why stop there?
Why not make a list of all the things,
I wished were yours
But remain mine, still.
Like, my cells, to begin.
My perfectly lonely cells. 
And next my eyes,
The eyes of a secluded dreamer.
What now?
The lips of a clouded fantasist?
The soul with the love of all the lovers ever denied?
No, I'm wholly stronger than I look.
The armor of the cloistered rests upon me now. 
Give your heart to someone else.
I don't want a heart in love with something contrastive to my own.
But don't fret for me, 
As I know you never will. 
I have a plan, 
I've got a globe at my fragile finger tips. 
I have a heart untainted from the world.
For all we know a heart untouched is a heart well broken, 
But the heart well dissembled is the strongest one of all.
So save your lips.
Touch nothing close to me.
Soon sparks will fly. 
Though, not for me. 
Never for me. 
For I have a plan.
(k.b.)



Saturday, July 12, 2014

An email from Europe


Mikayla Dunn





"Oh my darling, beautiful writer, gorgeous haired, brilliant minded bff"
"...I hope you know how much I truly am appreciating this adventure. I am trying to take it all in and enjoy it because I don't know if it will ever happen again. I wish you were here to experience this culture and all it has to offer. It is just beautiful. But even while I'm in this wonderful country, I do miss our home town and the beauty it holds. I miss the relaxed vibes and the familiarity and you, of course. I have learned that you can find beauty wherever you are and in any situation. The beauty in Austria and our home tome are very very different but they share many similarities as well. They both have their own attractiveness in appearance and in the feeling you get when you are there. The feeling of being at home is the same in both countries. Europe is an absolute paradise and the craziest thing to me is that people actually live here! They have homes, family, friends, stores, car dealerships, banks, everything that you need, but they live in EUROPE! It's such a dream to us as Americans but then again, America is foreign and beautiful to Europeans. It's just amazing that life goes on the same even on opposite sides of the world and although the culture and customs are different, it is very much the same." 
AHHH I'm so sorry I don't receive text messages over here! I would have loved getting that from you, but I love it just the same even if it is in a different form. By the way, I appreciate the email you sent more than you know. It put such a big smile on my face seeing that I had an email from you! 

Oh puhleez miss kiersten.. Do you really think I would travel halfway across the world for 3 weeks and not being anything back for my bestfriend? HA. The struggle is not IF it's WHAT to get you. I want to find something that will have heart and meaning and something you will be able to treasure, but don't even worry about it, it's going to be perfect. ❤️

Okay now I have some questions for YOU!

- Are you excited for EFY? 
- How was Oregon?
- Have you read any good books lately?
- Have you discovered any new music?
- How does it feel having Sarah home?!
- What is still on tour bucketlist to do this Summer?
- Have you been spending all your time in your dreamy hammock in the trees?
- How's nimbus?
- Have you changed your room at all?
- Is there anything specific you would like me to get your from here?
- How many times have you read the HP books while I've been gone?
- Are you excited for SENIOR YEAR?
- Do you have any new insight about life?

I hope these questions will give you a little something to write about in your returning email!

I love and miss you so much KB and hope you are getting everything out of life that you want. You are a beautiful daughter of God with so much potential in life and I hope you never forget that! 

I can't wait to get home and see you!

Love you lil shawty 
Xoxoxo
Mikfly ❤️



Kiersten Benson 




July12, 2014
Saturday
5:45PM 
On a cloudy, yet windy day
Dearest Darlingest Brightest Mikfly,
"...moving on forward with this letter, I must say you have surprised me in the greatest sense with your beautiful words that have touched me so! All your emotions, all your depth--it is hauntingly stirring. I especially loved your insight on how strange you find it that people's lives are just as normal to them as it is to us here but over there! (If that even made the slightest sense, let me know. That was kind of a dreadfully confusing sentence) But all in all, your words, your blog and YOU are so prepossessing I cannot even handle it!! I'm so proud and feel as though I can already see the change inside you, the only kind of change that comes from traveling to far off places you've never seen before! There is a quote I dearly love and is one of the only few I keep saved on my phone to remind me that my dreams will soon become a reality. It is by a man named Henry Rollins, who by the way, is an American musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, and activist, who said, "I beg young people to travel. If you don't have a passport, get one. Take a summer (as you are doing now!) get a backpack and go to Delhi, go to Saigon, go to Bangkok, go to Kenya. Have your mind blown, eat interesting food, dig some interesting people, have an adventure, be careful. Come back and you're going to see your country differently, you're going to see your president differently no matter who it is. Music, culture, food, water. Your showers will become shorter. Your'e going to get a sense of what globalization looks like. It's not what Tom Friedman writes about (who is an American journalist, columnist and author, by the way.) I'm sorry. You're going to see that global climate change is very real. And that for some people, their day consists of walking 12 miles for four buckets of water. And so there are lessons that you can't get out of a book that are waiting for you at the other end of that flight. A lot of people-- Americans and Europeans-- come back and go, "ohhhhh" And then the lightbulb goes on." 
You see? Traveling changes you. No matter where you go; it's inevitable.  So I'm happy for you. I am so incredibly, overwhelminglyhappy for you! (Also, I don't know why the spacing is all weird now, but I apologize as I am unable to fix it...)
But now, to answer your questions...
--Yes, I am excited for EFY, but to be honest I am a bit scared. Boys+Me=Nervous breakdown. Attractive Boys+Me= Dead, nervous breakdown and then dead again. Yep...let's just say this shall be interesting...


--Oregon was INCREDIBLE! I wish I could tell you everything in this letter but I don't even know where to begin and I feel as though it is a conversation better left face-to-face, if you know what I mean? But I will tell you, it really changed me and my views on myself, people and this gospel--all for the better! I loved the ocean more than I ever dreamed possible and l already long to be at it's strangely beautifully, strangely cryptic side. There was rain, incredible hikes, downtown Portland was too much to fathom--the people were crazier than expected and every one SMOKED. I kid you not, there was a cigarette between every eclectic finger down the street. And. OH. MY. There is this bookstore that is an ENTIRE BLOCK! Can you imagine? Books and books and BOOKS EVERYWHERE. It is heaven I tell you. I bought a gorgeous journal there as I just recently finished my other one and there also is this ice cream parlor called "The Salt & Straw" that served the strangest ice cream flavors EVER! There were no normal flavors--none. There was everything from Balsamic Vingerette to Blue Cheese to Lavender! It was incredible!  Flowers grow everywhere (and I mean everywhere, even on the streets!) and muggy, rainy, humid air is just as normal as forests by the highways and small quaint, adorable beach towns literally on the beach. And apparently the "Goonies" was filmed on one of the beaches we went to, while another one we went to required a small but definitely worth it hike/walk to it! It's called "Smuggler's Cove" and seriously no one was there, but I loved that. I loved sharing my beach with no one but the colossal waves and the chipping barnacle. I even held star fish and poked alive sea creatures and clambered over barnacle and raced along the shore in the pouring rain. I'm telling you, Oregon is where I'm meant to visit again. It has my name written ALL over it! Anyway, I'll tell you more later, but I loved it. LOVED IT.
--Good books? I read Edenbrook AND Blackmoore by: Julianne Donaldson AGAIN and can hesitantly admit I stayed up 'til three in the morning to finish it even though I know the ending by heart and even confess to bawling without shame. I love those dear books. In a way they both symbolize me, I don't know how, but they do. I love them. I could read them over and over and never tire of their story. They are like good songs to me, they mean something and I'll always remember them. I also started the Harry Potter series again and am falling in love with them all over again too. Life is always good when you read a good book. Always.
--New Music: "Atlas Hands" by: Benjamin Francis Leftwhich-- Currently always on my mind...I love it more than life. "Bloom", "Featherstone", or "Woodland" by: The Paper Kites-- They call my name and surely yours. And "Wait" by: M83--It was my Oregon Jam and it's simple and therefore beautiful. Oh also, "Letting Go" by: Saint Raymond. (Enough said there.) Just listen.  
--Having Sarah home? Better than eating Lindor Chocolate--and that is saying something! She is happy and funny and does not have the slightest inclination to force us to listen to MOTAB or watch missionary movies or anything like that which is a relief to me as I, admittedly, am not too fond of those two particular things. She met a cute guy and they have seen each other alot but she is also is dating around and I can't wait until marriage (hahahahahahaha) call me crazy but I WANNA BE AN AUNT. But, its great. I love it. It feels like she never even left! 
--Bucketlist: WHO EVEN KNOWS! Aren't you the one who has it anyway? Hahaha well, it's a mystery to me!
--Dream Hammock? You bet. But not as much as I should...Life has been occupied, but lived. Always lived. 
--Nimbus? Still alive. (Surprisingly)
--Souvenir advice? Something small, free and meaningful. I'll leave it up to you young miss. I'd trust you with my life. :) (But if you really need help, I do collect buttons but really, anything will be gratified and cherished.)
--Have I changed my room? Well, yes! My room is a room of many things but above all it is always a room subjected to change! I hung some postage letters on twine, gave away my 1D poster that once hung in my closet to my little cousins and created an Oregon collage on the side of my desk. What can I say? I admire change more than spells.
--How many times did I read HP? Only once. But the movies on the other hand....not so lonely.
--Am I excited for senior year? YES! I am finally taking classes I want and I can hardly wait to get into my english classes and all my art classes and yearbook and I can tell it will be a great last year. Yes, I am excited.
--New insight about life? You had to ask this? Alright, here it goes...(just remember, you asked, not me) I have discovered from all the things that have happened to me over this summer, as summer always is a season for change inside me, that life is nothing more than a changing drift of wind. Sometimes, this wind will carry, carry you to most remarkable places. But sometimes it has others ideas and it pushes

you and caresses you and excites you. But the key to mastering its unpredictable and unchangeable spirit is--to go with it.  The only thing you can control is your reaction and you. The only thing you can trust is your God. And the only person you can look up to that will never ever let you down is Christ, your Savior. You asked if my insight on life has changed and my answer is, yes. It always grows therefore it is always susceptible to change. Most people, when they hear the world 'change' cringe, or shrink or get angry thinking, "Why should I change? Change isn't good! It only causes ruckus." False, change is what shapes us. The very matter we are made of, even the matter of the stars, is created by change; constant and incomprehensible change. I believe that every day you learn something, every month you pass by and every hour you spend living, you are changing. You are growing, moving forward and expanding everything. Change is life and my life is beautiful. That is what I believe. 
I know that this email is long and for that I say, "Sorry-but-not-sorry" and hope you feel inspired in some way. But now, some questions for YOU:
  1. What is the best thing you've tasted on your journey to the bella terra? (beautiful land)
  2. What do you ache for most at this very moment?
  3. Have you found a "home a way from home" whilst traveling the other side of the earth?
  4. Could you describe the day to me from where ever you are?
  5. How's your mother doing? Your family too?
  6. Are your relatives over there crazy like you? ;)
  7. What is the strangest thing someone has said or done to you over there?
  8. Favorite souvenir you've bought so far? 
  9. Are YOU excited for JUNIOR YEAR? 
  10. Do you have a new insight on life? (This really is the only question that means a lot t to me. I'm dying to hear what you'll say!)
Well I hope these questions help your next email and I'm sorry it took so long to send off as it is now 10:55PM and the moon was HUGE last night by the way! Did you see it??
I look forward to seeing you soon-but-not-too-soon right? 
Gute Nacht.
Buonanotte.
And good night! 
I love you baby girl! Keep having fun! XoXOxoxO <3
Love always, 
Kiersty Bug
Post script: Just curious, do you wake up early to get in all adventures you can or do you pleasure yourself with luxury and sleep in? Just curious. Good night (or good morning for you!) for realsies! Love you!

**I paraphrased, of course, some thing are better left between the people actually in the conversation, sorry! But you got the best bits, I'm sure.





Monday, June 16, 2014

Things I love...

June 16, 2014
Monday
11:17AM


Things I love...
Flowers: Peonies & Daisies ("...such happy flowers...")
Beverage: (Morning) Orange Juice--NO PULP (Afternoon) Apple Juice (Evening) Embellished Hot Chocolate
Weather: Occasional overcast or complete rain
Breakfast: Toast, Crepes, Sunny-Side-Up Eggs
Form of Communication: Hand-written letters
Tree: Weeping Willow
Slight Obsession: Beautiful people
Habitat: Mountains
Music: Any that evokes commotion inside me
Extreme Fetish: Rollerskating
Fascination: The planets
Nostalgia: Music of my history
Weakness: Postage stamps & envelopes
Meal: Breakfast (so awakening)
Organization: Slightly chaotic, but adequate 
Logolepsy: Fetish, eclectic, crush, creamy, prepossessing, incompetent, captivating, escapade, empathetic, crisp, seclusion, ravishing, etc... 
Tenderness: The stars
Pleasing: Pleasantly surprised
Refreshing: Morning air blown by the sunrise
Secrets: Letter box, whispers, admission chest
Enrapturing: M83
Animal: Lion & Stag (bravery above all else)
Snack: Peanut butter and anything
Weak-in-the-Knees: Captivating eyes
Patronus: Stag, Doe, or Wolf
Country: Italy
Yearning: Travel
Delightful: Warm Poppyseed muffins
Bittersweet: Finishing a book
Addicting: Conquering fears
Lovely: Fresh flowers wrapped in brown paper
Cuddle-friendly: Rain on the windows
Hogwart's house: Gryffindor
Scent: New books, freshly mowed grass, Christmas time
Season: First summer, always Autumn
Gifts: "... brown paper packages tied up with string..."
Sensation: Grass between my toes, rainy shivers up my neck, the ocean at my back, chills from something wonderful
Challenge: Puzzles 
Congenial: Washed sheets, shaved legs, a dazzling book 
Happy-beyond-measure: Writing
Sanctuary: Alone, but with life
Noises: Rain on the rooftops, turning book pages, skate blades on ice, crackling fires, summertime crickets, distant thunder, popcorn popping, four-wheelers, utter happiness from a laugh, sleepy breaths
Diverting: Ornate artwork
Of-Utmost-Importance: Authenticity 
Wonderful Competition: Card games 
Symbols: Deathly Hallows, Moon Runes, Astronomical
Planet: Saturn (the "Jewel" planet)
Concentration: Drawing & Annotating
Habit: Exhausting a newly discovered song
Time-period: 1940's or 1950's
Distracting: Humans 
Invaluable: Lunar Eclipses
Color: Blue blue blue
Handwriting: Cursive and slapdash
Reassuring: Nature walks
Tastes: salty, sweet, creamy, quality, panache
Unceasing love: Smoothies & French Fries 
Saudade: Soul-mate
Rebellion: Reading past my bedtime
Musical: The Phantom of the Opera & The Benson Clan
Craving: defensible seclusion
Tactile Sense: Shaving cream, rose petals, newspapers, a pen betwixt my fingers
Longing: Love 
Atomosphere: In the clouds of my own world
Movie Soundtrack: Dan in Real Life, Return to Me & We Bought a Zoo
Passion: Beautiful chaos, moments without artificiality, people exactly as they are
Crying: It's replenishing 
Dream: Far away places, people I've yet to meet, foods I soon will taste and adventures yet to happen.



(k.b.)




Saturday, June 14, 2014

Real-Slim-Sk8ers


Rollerskating 
June 14, 2k14
3:41 PM

Recently all my friends and I have taken an extreme liking to rollerskating, specifically Disco-Skating every Saturday night and so it has become some sort of a ritual for us where we go Disco Skating every Saturday night and skate until our hearts feel skated out! I can't believe how crazy people are not to like rollerskating after taking it up after so many years of its absence! After the first night of rollerskating I wrote (in my handy-dandy-never-let-outta-my-sight-journal) 
May 26, 2014: "Rachel, Mikayla, and this really funny kid named Wilson and a few other bunches of kids and I went rollerskating on Saturday night, which by the way is indeed Disco Night and even though I haven't been skating since that tacky "Snowball" in sixth grade and I didn't even get the hang of it until towards the end, I had such a wonderful time! Now I am determined to take up rollerskating!! I'm not even kidding! It was so exhilarating to try something new and immerse myself with eclectic people all enjoying life, dancing like lunatics, and radiating their authentic spirits around the rink! Seriously, people that were really good at rollerskating were so ludicrous and passionate about rollerskating that you couldn't help but laugh and try to skate along with them! I really want to get better, so I am determined to purchase some skates (not blades, that way I can do both) this summer and it will be brilliant! We all skated our little, fleeting hearts out until midnight because it closed, but I am certain if it didn't close we would've been dancing and skating all through the night, that is how fantastic it was! Only, I fell down quite a few times and landed on my left knee every time and now have this HUGE, nasty bruise the size of Jupiter, but I love battle wounds so no complaining there! It's kind of funny how happy I was and it is definitely something I want to do again in the very near future! (like next week!!)"
unnamed.jpgAnd then on June 7th at 1:44 AM I wrote: "Tonight was such a liberating night. I'm not sure what exactly it is about Disco Skating, but it makes me feel so free! We all went again tonight and I must say it is beginning to become an extreme fetish of mine! I know I'm nowhere near good, but I don't care! That is the key--I don't care! I fell a few times and bruised my same left knee again--but I don't care! I never feel embarrassed when I fall (even if it's flat on my bottom!) because I am totally and completely free! I'm honestly the happiest version of myself--actually I am myself when I skate or write or talk about Harry Potter because those things make me happy. I loved talking to Caleb (this "ultra-dope" kid from American Fork we recently befriended) on the way home when Rachey fell asleep because he is real. We talked about crying, but I loved it. Tonight was free. It was like a kite without a string... There were no limits to my confidence tonight and that is when I feel myself the best. They even played my all-time favorite 80's song, "Take On Me" by: Aha! and I've never skated so fast and carefree in my entire life! Tonight was simply liberating and I've felt such happiness that not even these peeving hiccups I have now can dampen my stringless spirits! I scrunched my beautiful long hair, swept it up in a side pony with a scrunchie and did my makeup all pretty and actually felt so beautiful (yes, even in a side ponytail) I didn't even think about insecurities or worries I just lived--I lived in that beautiful care-free moment and feel alive. I love this. This is what I live for. This is what makes me--me!" (k.b.)
So as you can tell, I LOVE rollerskating now and I can't help but share my love with everyone! I've been recruiting many to come and I even show off my ultra-crazy battle wounds off just to show how crazy it can get if you really get into it! But all in all, it really makes me feel free and I'm proud to say that every time I go I get better and better and I know it is a different hobby to take up but I don't care! I love it so much! You should definitely try it if you ever feel sad or captured, it is so freeing and I seemed to find a piece of myself somewhere along that rink, but I'm keeping it with me always because I love it. I live for this. This is life and life is meant to be happy and free. 


--Real-Slim-Sk8er Member 
or just
 (k.b.)


Friday, May 23, 2014

Found Poems


May 23, 2014
Friday
10:55PM 




FOUND POEMS
Kiersten Benson

First off, a found poem can be many things. But for me, the kind of found poems you are about to read are ones that I "drew" inside an old book from the 1950's (Green Hills of Africa by: Ernest Hemingway) and they are basically words you highlight on a page and you disregard the rest and make poetry out of it. Its really creative and actually pretty easy, so here are just a few I wrote today:

"Patch of Earth"
patch of earth
newly pressed
watching
where the
handsome
everything else
spiralled
into the
 night
(see page 5)


"Have You Heard It?"
that noise of death inside
is my name. 
Where have I heard it?
In 
a long story...
Tell me, what do you think?
What do you think?
You believe it?
I cannot.
I [only] hope. 
(see page 7)


"The Man in the Fire"
I saw him
toward the fire
I had not asked him why
I do not like to ask questions
But here
we had not seen
and then to run
to have him look
to have him know your name...
(see page 9)

"Breakfast in the Dark"
Breakfast in the dark
warm promise
watching
Too early
getting
some more.
(see page 201)


"Logic"
I 
unwittingly
believed
logic
always hurt
Now, 
against
the argument
against pain
stopping to whisper
it 
all
removed myself
ahead
and opened to above. 
(Very first found poem, see page 95)

"Pleasure"
The abandoning
sweet sentiment
or 
pleasure
we 
stalk
confuse 
those 
we see
blind.
We 
lick
the open
keeping
solutely quiet
and 
drench
the sky
wide 
in anger.
(see page 178)

(k.b.)

Found Poem 
May 23, 2014
Friday
10:55PM 
On a semi-happy-sad 
rainy day




The Junkyard Wonders


My newest favorite children's storybook: The Junkyard Wonders by: Patricia Polacco, it is simply enrapturing and it left me in tears. I love everything from her eclectic illustrations to her whimsical way of telling things in a magical, yet completely relatable way. She is simple, sweet, kind and ingenious. The best words you ask? 
Right here:

                                           “Genius is neither learned nor acquired.
It is knowing without experience.
It is risking without fear of failure.
It is perception without touch.
It is understanding without research.
It is certainty without proof.
It is ability without practice.
It is invention without limitations.
It is imagination without boundaries.
It is creativity without constraints.
It is…extraordinary intelligence!”
--The Junkyard Wonders
Patricia Polacco