if you could hear
every word I'm too afraid to say
i don't think
i would be afraid of much else anymore.
the chaos of this world would fall asleep
for just one moment
as i looked at you and felt
the thrumming of loving you,
putting those blasted stars to shame
and carrying every
piece of you
in my warm hands
as if they were a poem.
damn this.
not talking
pretending like we don't love each other.
i'm sick of feeling
sick
and
sad
and
so, so
alone.
where are you?
if you could hear the
sad melody
from the monster my heart has become
over you
perhaps you would want
to find out more.
perhaps you'd walk around me
like a gallery
of art
curious of things i painted from my dreams,
how they happen
to resemble me
and not you
which is a mystery that might never be solved
(much like my heart loving you
for reasons i cannot find a name for).
call me once
to see how i am doing.
let the excitement of your voice
overrule the reason of my heart
for once,
make me feel beautiful
like i see so
many others do.
the thing is though, i don't want a love
like theirs
or his
or hers
or anyone else's for that matter.
i just want a love with you.
...
but you can't love
a creature of fear
over time
he will eat us both.
fear.
the one word
that never fixes
as much as it destroys.
would you destroy me,
i wonder.
if i gave
everything i was to you, what would you do with it?
i'm too bashful
to accept loving you first
yet
i'm too passionate to accept this skinny love much longer.
one small human
can't feel this much
in one little body
it isn't
fair.
it isn't right.
even though it
frightens
me
half to death,
tell me the answer
if i were to ask you, "what do you think of me?"
even if it's,
"i don't."
i have to know.
i have little to lose,
except you
(which of course
is a great deal
more than you'd think.
a great, great deal more than
my heart can fathom most days).
the moment i knew i loved you,
(since my heart
has decided to go there now)
was the moment
i felt a strange pull
like white strings
tangled in my crimson heart
that penetrated through my chest
and tugged from
some other place
for the longest time
i could not name.
i went on a search to find
the source of the
gentle
tugging
and somehow
ended up
with you
staring at me
with those forsaken blue eyes
and icy skin
the white of the string
melting in your cold hands.
there you were
as if it were nothing
your fingers
laced
threaded
embedded in the whiteness of those strings
and
yanking on them
without a clue
how far
they'd make me fall
if
you
let
go.
and there i was
willingly
letting
you.
so there it is.
the secret in my shoebox
has been
torn from its
cardboard cottage and tacked
onto the whiteness of this page.
don't you want
to know my secrets?
where my loneliness
travels to when
i am too busy
with thoughts of you?
doesn't everybody
at one moment or another
want to see the scars written on the backs of people
no matter who they are?
to run their sticky
fingers over
their pink hills and
sour stains?
even if they've known them for a day
or a decade
the ferocious curiosity
always sits on the chest of others
as they wait for you to open up your windows
to spill your ink on your wooden desk over
the blank white pages fluttered
everywhere
and for the rain
to
fall
onto the window heavily
until
it stops
for nothing
but the sound of your heart
having enough.
truth is,
i could write about you
all day
and run out of nothing to say.
but,
give me a moment
trapped in your blue eyes
in your sweet smell
and awing
presence
and suddenly
i
am at a loss
for any words.
any words at all.
(II)
someone
or something
whispers to me
when my heart feels like a creature
of so, so much sadness:
don't be so scared
of the
things you love.
what can she mean?
i wonder.
well,
i never could say
what i wanted
(to you, at least).
i never could see
i never could see
the wave that rolled me under
until it was too late.
until my pale feet
were no longer sleeping on the shore
but pulled beneath the cold surface
floating
terribly alone
(suffocating in my pretend happiness)
in a cave
i'm sure was made by
you
of course.
they say
there is a gravity that is made
when you meet the one
you're meant to be with.
the one your
heart wants to
rest with
theirs.
quickly,
quicker than any reasonable
force of nature
they will
orbit
each other
creating forces of natures
of their own.
what they forget to tell you
before it's late like
the ocean tide that pulls you,
is this gravity
goes two ways.
you pull each other in.
so
if i dare say that
i love you
(which i'm sure i do in some strange and beautifully elegiac way)
then that means
within a potpourri of
terrible
and wondrous things
i am pulled by the
damning
gravity of you
and you
dear
love
are stuck without one
tempting to pull you in.
you're stuck within
a gravity of your own
without a trace of wanting to
feel mine.
that's okay.
we won't
so just don't.
don't pretend anymore
because i've learned
it hurts more
than saying,
"no."
or
"i don't."
"i never did."
or anything else
a human heart can think of
to hurt somebody deeply.
we won't
so just don't.
if you care
or if you ever cared
at all
lay a letter in my empty shoebox
and don't pretend to not stare
as you see the hot tears roll from my eyes like burning summer collapsing
into autumn.
if you ever cared
even just for one second
pry my
fingers from my tired face
and tell me softly
when it is over.
-k.p.b.
post script:
to anyone that finds this
and knows exactly what it means
bury it.
burn it with your tears
and forget the loneliness that plagues you so.
be brave.
forget the ones
that give you strings
when all you need
all you ever wanted
were wings.
be brave.
it's easier than hurting yourself over things you can't control.
i promise.
find your wings
and learn to fly
instead of fall.
april 28, 2016
8:07PM
thursday
rainy day
(don't go away)
