Last night
I had a dream.
I had a dream like no other I've ever had before it.
I was in a white dress
the kind that every girl dreams of
with lace
and trains
and dribbles of delicate fabric.
It felt beautiful on me
and I confess I've never dreamed of anything like it before
but it wasn't important.
The room was small
and riddled with dark wood,
cream colored roses with lush green leaves drooping down
and unlit candles
for day time was peaking through the windows.
I wasn't alone.
He was there,
who ever he was
standing close to me
with dark hair
and brown eyes
and a nature I could never forgive
nor forget
as long as I lived.
I was happy.
My heart felt full inside this dream,
this reality of sleeping.
I remember I took his hand in mine
the overwhelming excitement of the moment flooding within me and I
counted every one of his fingers
while telling him the things I loved most about him
and as I kissed each one of those fingers
and felt a love I did not even knew existed until that moment
I promised him something,
"I promise you," I whispered with my lips on his fingers and my eyes up at his,
"I promise you that I will love you wholly, that I will cherish everything about you and I will always try. I promise I love you.
I promise."
And there it was
the moment of crossing a barrier
that until that moment of
really dreaming
I had only heard about.
But I felt it.
That strong stirring in my heart
as the words escaped me
I meant it.
I could tell by how much it hurt when nothing followed it.
When he did not follow me.
He looked at me
with those brown eyes
I think I knew very well
and I wondered how anyone could want me
here beside them
marrying them
and sharing them forever.
But this thought was short lived
as I waited happily for his promise
in return.
I waited for a moment so filled with joy
but then something changed when I realized
no promise was coming.
He had looked away
toward a window
or candle
or something
while I talked,
while I poured my heart into his warm fingers.
He didn't say a word back.
Suddenly my eyes began to follow every inch of him
earnestly hoping to find some trace of promise hidden
within his pockets
or his suit
his hair
or his tie.
Nothing was found.
I leaned in
pushing softly my lips against him
but they grazed his jawline
only just missing the lips
he pulled away from me.
What had happened?
Didn't he want to marry me as we
stood in a room together
surrounded by staring flowers
and unlit candles
and warmth of sunlight?
Why on earth was he here if not
because he loved me?
No.
He did not.
He didn't want me.
I don't know why he was there
waiting in a room filled with one full heart
and one desperately empty.
What happened in this dream
to wake me from my slumber?
To pull me from my warm white blankets
and into the drowsy morning world?
The answer is a bit tricky.
You see
even though he didn't want me
even though it seemed
maybe only a sliver
of his heart belonged to me
I still wanted it.
I wanted him.
More increasingly I wanted him
to want me.
But he didn't want me.
So I tried to understand.
I tried to think of the euphoric love
I felt while kissing his fingers
and I tried to feel again.
I awoke before I found out if I felt it.
I awoke wanting to fall back asleep
and somehow find he loved me
and wanted to feel it too.
I tried to rock me back to sleep
to feel that warmth,
comfort,
and undeniably desirous feeling
once more.
But I woke up.
It would be foolish
and unqualified to say that
it never happened
or never will happen again.
It is a dream, true
and
after all
dreams can change at
any moment.
But dreams
against common belief
are powerfully
purposefully
embedded with truth.
They are the echo of
the things
and people
and moments we desire most
sometimes before we even realize it.
Just because
we're sleeping while they occur
doesn't mean
it isn't
real.
Perhaps,
your dreams only
come true
only manifest themselves before you
when you are not sleeping
only when
you're ready.
Only when you stop
pretending they
aren't real in conscious reality
and are only
real
while you're sleeping.
-k.p.b.
April 25th
2016
Monday
2:10PM
while it is raining tempestuously
