Rolling clouds of grey were my glorious sunrise this morning.
How one can have a sunrise at eleven o'clock in the morning is beyond me, but it happened and I assure you it was marvelous.
Last night I slept with sweet music cradling my senses and awoke to the most comfy feeling in the world. The blankets were thickly pillowing my body, my small foot nearly poking out of it and I daresay I felt like a small child again, awaking from a wondrous night of sleep from a night this is not cold, but gentle and sweet. It was beautiful.
And then my body, somehow quieter than it has ever been, crept out of my sister's room without a sound, and followed the baking smell of food to the kitchen downstairs. It was a mystery. A thought began to stir within me and I realized it was a beautiful thought, from a beautiful movie (as many of them are). I gently made my way over to my oldest brother and gave him a long and thoughtful hug and whispered, "I love you" as my lips kissed his sweet red hair. Then I spotted another older brother and wrapped my arms around him too. I discovered the baking smell had come from lovely little ginger snap cookies my brother had made (gluten free just for me!) and suddenly decided there was no better way to start the morning than with good cookies. My fingers wrapped around one as the others searched for my yellow mug and suddenly another cookie was dangling from my mouth as I poured a splash of milk in my mug and a little in my cheerios and delighted myself to a breakfast outside on the porch.
It looked cold.
But it was lovely.
The clouds were layered in every shade of grey imaginable and the cool air rattled my bones into delightful consciousness. I was purely awakened by the sound of sweet chirping birds, of which I am now just a little bit more familiar with since dear Jackie allowed me to listen to her bird finding app, but I'll have you know I still can't name a single one of them. Their songs inspire me like a symphony from a composer whose name has escaped me or chef that ran from the kitchen before I could even kiss his hand in gratitude. But that's okay. I'm more than content just listening to a nameless bird for now when the promise of learning their name someday follows that contentment.
The cement was cold against my blue and white flower pajamas that went missing for a while. I'm so happy they returned to me. They are really lovely pajamas. The clink of my yellow mug sitting perfectly next to my right knee, the cookie dunking itself in the remains of my cheerio milk and the rolling clouds combined to make a lovely moment of peacefulness. I recall pulling my long curled air of amber, or brown, or red (whatever people call it these days) but I did it twice for good reason. The first time I pulled it too fast and so allowed myself to try again and allow the teeth to run through my hair for a moment like fingers and pull it softly like a lover. I allowed the teeth to feel my hair and hold it gently.
I've begun to understand these days that respecting the elements that make up this pretty world is the first way we can give back to it. Enjoying what it gives you is appreciating, but allowing those elements to enjoy what you can give it is understanding. It's giving back and letting it love you too. So I let the clip swallow my hair in a beautiful devour and allowed room for it to feel satisfaction the way it constantly allows me to.
My hands found their way over my chest again, as they always do when I feel something too beautiful to ignore. My legs were folded like a child. The birds began to chirp delightfully and then all at once this world was singing and it was too marvelous to walk away from. After all, when the opera reaches its ending, do you simply walk away or do you stay and watch in marvel and astonishment? Do you leave or do you clap until your hands understand just a little bit more what real beauty is?
You know, I have discovered many things today and here are just a few:
I wake up an hour earlier to live an hour longer. This life is too wonderful not to.
I sit outside and eat my breakfast with the earth and sky and sun so that they can teach more and more every day. I sit there to learn patience. To understand. To be better than I was yesterday.
I embraced my brothers this morning because a movie I recently watched hasn't left me and it taught me to live everyday as if you could live it twice and do all the things you didn't do the first time, like observe others, love people, making time for the things that truly, truly matter.
One last thing, I learned today that I deserve love very much. True love. Romantic love. Compelling and riveting love. My heart is undeserving of nothing love can and will give me and I'm so happy to know that someday someone will take care of me every moment. I know I say this quite a bit, but I can't wait for the time when someone can't take their eyes off of me and can't get enough of me. Loving someone used to be a mystery to me, but not so much these days. I won't ever say I understand the secrets of love but I do know that it is kind and giving and powerful. Whatever love you elect yourself is the love you think you deserve and I'll tell you now so you don't get the wrong idea about what I am trying to say, I am through with chasing a shadow of love that may not ever love me back. I am too good, too precious of a daughter of God to be treated in a way that I am not deserving or lovely or worth it. I think a person can fall in love with almost anybody if they really took the time to get to know their story, but it's the moment of understanding one another before words are even necessary that I belief real love starts to grow.
Angels are truly with me this glorious morning and they are real even if they are not always easy to see. They teach me so much.
This world is truly riveting and all it takes to seeing that is stopping and listening.
This morning I sat criss-cross on a cold cement porch and fell softly in love with the beautiful contrast of yellow and blue from my glass mug and pretty pajamas and I realize now as I write these words that that is enough for me to be happy for now. Appreciating. Observing. Listening. Loving. Yes, for now. life is wonderful.
-k.p.b,
March 23, 2016 Wednesday 11:46am
