it sounds just like a heartbeat
pumping
thrumming
thumping
threading words that echo off the earth.
It is beautiful and tragic at once.
After all, are those not the very same thing?
I am sitting here above the earth on my cold black roof
snuggled in a worn out blanket that has been a dear companion of mine for more tear soaked nights, more breathless awestruck glances at the stars, more sleepless nights than I could name
and it is wonderful this feeling of seeing the sky blushing an innocent pink,
holding itself against a soft blue
like a pure embrace.
The moon's teeth smiling too.
This song is exactly how I would describe the sound of kissing someone, imagining two pounding hearts a space between each other, of falling blissfully in love, this song is exactly the sound a heart makes when it is loving someone.
It pumps.
It threads.
It lives.
...
It reminds me of someone
someone I'm still confused about, as I probably always will be.
There are lyrics in this song that frighten me because they are not the words of the singer but the words of you.
(You can always tell when words within a song come from the singer and not yourself.
Always).
Words like, "I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free"
because you could.
With one look from those electrifying eyes
you could penetrate my soft heart, you could grasp it strong enough
to kill me.
But I'm thinking too much again.
Why do I think of you always?
I went on a trip this weekend for three days
and convinced myself I was not in love with you at all.
For days we were all together and
it worked for most of the time
because, like always, it didn't seem like you wanted me too.
Then the car ride home existed.
The looks.
The smiles.
The silent whispers.
What is this world anyway without the confusion of loving you and possibly hating everything about you?
I tried to drown it all away beneath the soft push of my headphones in my small ears
but even those are too soft to choke the thought of you out.
Call me crazy,
most people do,
but I think I love you even more because I truly stopped loving you for a moment.
Then I missed you.
I always miss you, kid.
It isn't fair.
You thought I couldn't hear you,
but I heard a few things you said while the music pulled me outside the car window.
You only speak about life when I'm not listening, it seems.
There was a soft feeling of nostalgia that is impossible to describe because this nostalgia came from no where.
It rested within me
heavy
and light
and grey.
It was delightful and gentle
and peculiar too.
It was the nostalgia of having you
and that is for certain an impossible nostalgia I have never had.
Will I ever?
I wonder.
-k.p.b.
7:49PM Wednesday
March 16, 2016
Written in the first crisp spring sunset my skin has touched.
The song goes like this:
"Song for Zula"
by: Phosphorescent
Some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love,
You see it came to me
It puts its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
See the cage, it called. I said, come on in
I will not open myself up this way again
Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, nor see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see the cage it called. I said, come on in
I will not open myself this way again.
You see the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold clean light
I might fear I go and my heart is white
And we race right out on the desert plains all night
So honey I am now, some broken thing
I do not lay in the dark waiting for day here
Now my heart is gold, my feet are right
And I'm racing out on the desert plains all night
So some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
All that I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer come to call from some awful dream
And all you folks, you come to see
You just to stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild, and my bones are steel
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free
*I waited three days to download this song on my "Seclusion - J.D." playlist on Spotify and the moment of finally finding service to hear it--what a magical moment of a pounding heartbeat that was. I would give anything to have a human be the cause of that pounding, merely because they looked at me the way I always look at them. Anything at all.
