Have you ever stood at the precipice of unfathomable yearning
and the brisk ferocity of insanity?
If you ever know such a feeling, such a kick in the heart,
my only advice is this:
Run until your demons can't catch you.
Allow me to explain:
I'm in love with something I can't have.
My heart hungers for a dark and sfumato creature
that both stalks my happiness and chases my monsters away.
I'm in love with the Autumn coldness,
the sweet and elegiac dance it plays with the bending trees and temperate music.
I hear the wind whistle through my hair sadly;
It feels like the hands of a lover tracing the outline of my nose and
suddenly I think, "The moonlight doesn't seem to be the only thing to touch my lips."
But it's almost too much to bear.
Almost.
I'm in love with a person too.
A boy much like Autumn.
I first saw him standing there with hair like
fire-crackers,
exploding with dark curls in such a fierce and extreme manner it excited me.
He was exciting himself.
He had a deep felicity about him. It lurked about his crimson-ridged lips
and sparking blue eyes (much like the painting of the humanist by Raphael Sanzio da Urbino)that ensnared a helpless captive--me.
It never occurred to me I would one day regret
that tumult of wavy nighttime.
One never thinks they will regret one look in a strangers eyes or one unknowing desire to kiss their lips.
I guess.
It seems all I wanted was happiness I thought I was deserving of.
Perhaps the only thing I deserve right now is loneliness.
This sounds like such a burden,
such a heavy and dreadful thing to wish upon oneself,
but it's quite the opposite when you think about it.
A poet once said,
"I know what it is to be lonely, therefore I know what it is to be loved."
Just so.
I didn't think it would end this way--
wishing for a better epilogue or worse:
finding myself trapped in the first page of meeting him.
I have but one question for that blasted Autumn wind--
Is there ever a chapter of happiness for me?
Does the white knight ever come for me or am I doomed
to become the ivory hero myself?
How many times did I listen to the song of Autumn and pray it would sing
just for me?
How many times did I have to mangle my own heart
with my own delicate hands?
Just so,
It wasn't meant to be.
As many things are.
And still I hear that sweet and solemn music
rushing through me like an Autumn scream of wind.
It jostles my skirt, tugging at my soul and
softly whispers, "Why do you cry, girl?"
Why do I cry.
Lips move but never quite understand--do they?
"Why do I cry?"
I could ask myself that question a thousand lucid times
and never find a perfect answer.
I bet he could-- sweet sappy Autumn.
He always plays with a human's heart
so recklessly
he must understand its function
entirely.
I wish I could blame misery on gravity.
It seems much easier to say,
"Cure you gravity. Curse you."
But it is not so.
I stay lonely,
but never truly alone.
At least someday I will understand what it truly means
to be loved--
and to love so fiercely and unconditionally
the Autumn wind will curse my name just as I curse gravity
for not having me.
Someday.
k.p.b.
September 17, 2015
12:29PM
Thursday
Post Script:
Songs for an elegiac heart: (CAUTION: this is not an antidote, rather just the opposite)
"My Special Angel" Malcolm Vaughan
"Dreamy Eyes" The Four Preps
"Unchained Melody" Perry Como
"Big Girls Don't Cry" Franki Valli and the Four Seasons
"You Send Me" Sam Cooke
"God Only Knows" The Beach Boys
"Dream a Little Dream of Me" Dean Martin (version)
"Georgia on My Mind" Ray Charles
"The Way You Look Tonight" Tony Bennett
"(Today I Met)The Boy I'm Gonna Marry" Darlene Love
"La Vie en Rose" Edith Piaf
"Magic Moments" Perry Como
"What the World Needs Now is Love" Jackie DeShannon
