Recently I wrote a letter to my sister Sarah (who is serving an LDS mission) that turned out to be SEVEN PAGES LONG. Yeah...talk about a rather long and endless letter, but I must admit it contained something of great importance to me. Within the swirly, untidy sprawls of my pencil marks against the simply lined letter was a list. A list of myself. Now I know what you are thinking: "Why in the world would a list about yourself have any significance what so ever?" But to put you at ease, the list had nothing really to do with informing my sister about myself, but had everything to do with proving a solid point to myself-- the point being to teach myself to love every detail about myself no matter how hard it may be.
You see I came across a passage online with an unknown author that really struck a cord in me. For days its words swirled inside my head and tormented me to confusion. It formed a question inside my head that I either refused to answer-- or was too frightened to. The question that plagued my mind was, in its simplest form: "Who am I really?"
It may sound cliché but the intensity of that question beat into my soul over and over and over agian. And the more I thought about it, the less I could answer it.
Who was I, really? Surely I knew! But the more I asked the less I knew!
Upon one night when I no longer could avoid this haunting question I found myself slumped in front of my dusty mirror replaying the mysterious words from that online passage:
"who are you
really?
you are not a name
or a height, or weight
or a gender
you are not where you
are from
you are your favorite books
and the songs stuck in your head
you are your thoughts
and what you eat for breakfast
on saturday mornings
you are a thousand things
but everyone chooses
to see the million things
you are not
you are not
where you are from
you are
where you are going
and i'd like
to go there
too.
(m.k)"
Probably not what you expected, huh? Yet there they were screaming in my head clear as day but as unnerving as the night. Tears streamed down my face until these words took full affect upon my heart and finally took hold of my brain. I could no longer ignore that treacherous question that faced me now of who I truly was. It was then and only then that I had to make a decision of who I was and what I wanted to be.
Suddenly it was in those solemn tears that I made a deep, indestructible promise--a vow if you will--that I would put forth every effort to become the person I and God wanted to be. I would spend every day learning to admire the faults, quirks, talents, pet-peeves, and details that made me, well, me!
And so the first thing I could think to do was write a list; and a list i wrote from A-Z of all the smallest insignificant details about myself (well no longer insignificant to me). And the list was filled and made and it only awaitied to be sent, read, and dwelled.
Read it if you will, but know that this is a historic moment for me! It may be hard to believe at times, but it is one of the hardest things for me to talk about myself without guilt nagging at the back of my head. I feel that if I should speak, it should only be directed to others. Now, I'm no where near perfect in accomplishing that goal, but I don't care about that as much anymore. My goal has grown to greater heights which I have every intention of reaching! And so read this list with great care and think only of good intentions:
A. I am an absolute, beyond a doubt Nature lover. Observing nature is where I find my solitude.
B. My heart blissfully lies with the stars. (I'll never stop looking for that shooting star.)
C. I have cute little dimples I always forget I have. :) (which, by the way, I am always reminded is something others are jealous of but I simply always forget I have them!)
D. You can only see the little scar on my forehead--right between the eyes--when I am angry or upset.
E. Reading and drawing are other places of solitude for me and bring spirit, passion and adventure into my soul.
F. My favorite breakfast cereal is Honey Nut Cherrios, but if I couldn't have those then I would most definitely choose waffles over anything!
G. Autumn is the most beautiful, mysterious, gentle, graceful and magical time of the year for me. (It's also my very favorites season!)
H. I'll always prefer dogs to cats no matter how cute they both are!
I. I have a strange bump on my right hand, ring finger from endless drawing and writing. (I guess I just hold my pencil really oddly...?) Which is another thing I always forget about.
J. As much as I hate to admit it, Pinterest is one of my many weaknesses, along with: baggy beanies with pom-poms, romantic novels and movies, envelopes, friendly dogs, a good book to get lost in, pencil and paper, and toasty food. (especially pumpkin bread!)
K. "K" is for "Kiersten" which is my name and to be undeniably honest--I love the sound of my name, "Kiersten Pauline Benson".
L. I am "Philvophile", which means I am an absolute lover of rain and rainy days. As a matter of fact, I prefer rainy days to sunny days no matter what.
M. "M" is for "mail" and I love receiving and sending mail. I often wish I lived in an older time period where the only way of communicating was through letters and airmail. I mean, who doesn't feel overly special when they receive a letter? (I know I always do!)
N. I will always and eternally prefer a real book to a digital one. Always! Why? Well, purely because you can never replace nor receive the memory refreshing smell of a new and awaited book, or even an old one. You could never get that from a digital book. The next reason is simply, you cannot press vibrant flowers or leaves against the digital pages of an electronic book. Another reason to my preference is you can never replace the tear stains, finger prints, and accidental marks from dripping drinks and crumbling food you try to eat while reading at the same time. My last reasons are simply this: you can only experience turning the very last page to a long and adventurous story, with a real book; and a giant library stuffed with books will always be more impressive than a digital book. Always.
O. "O" is for "optimistic" which is what I am!
P. My ever growing desire to travel the world will never end and seems to me will only continue to emerge the longer I await a journey somewhere I've never been. What can I say? My heart is made with beating wings and a printed map right on top.
Q. "Q" is for "Question! Question! Question!" I am a wanderer and a curious mess (without even the tiniest chance of remedy for that.) My eyes were made for wondering, while my feet were made for wandering.
R. "R" is not for "Yamel," but "Rachel" who made it possible for me to proudly say, "Hi! I am Kiersten and I am a twin!"
S. I am a writer. It is what it is. But my mother once told me something about writing that has never left my heart. She said: "If you are going to be a writer, then you must know many, many words." And so, I strive to learn and I love learning new words everyday.
T. I do have faults like everybody else in this world, but I try to never focus on them. My faults have nothing to do with who I am or how I look, but rather what I do. For example:
-- I constantly pick my mascara off all the time! (And it drives my mom absolutely crazy, but I do it anyway!)
--I watch movies
all-the-time. (probably WAY too much!) But what can I do? How do you fix a *wink wink* "problem" you don't mind having? That you in-fact, enjoy VERY much? Exactly. (You don't.)
--Most of my room is covered in pictures, piles and piles of books, notebooks, sketchpads, quotes, and random items scattered every-which-way! (Such as: seashells along my window seal, pebbles, dead flowers, and a secret letter box no one knows about.)
--I get nervous
a lot. And more likely than not, it is for the dumbest reasons.
U. I try everyday to focus on others and not myself.
V. I am a hopeless romantic! My poor husband will have to put up with me constantly comparing him to "
Mr. Darcy" and many other insanely attractive men only found in romance novels!
W. My favorite words off the top of my head are: captivating, escapade, empathetic, fetish, crisp, cozy, prepossessing, ravishing, and crunchy.
X. My family is my life and also my best friend list. Every last one of them will
always come first in my life and I value their approval in all I do. They are my number one source of pure joy and laughter. <3
Z. I
hate talking about myself, but I am learning not to. Someday someone will love every detail about me and it would probably help if I did too. And someday, I know I will.
I know that list came across very long, but letter "Z" should pretty much sum up why I made this blasted list in the first place! I know from other's perspective this list may seem trivial, but to me it means everything. It proves to me as well as anyone who is willing to read this, that I am stretching outside my boundaries and comfort-zone in order to become the person I want to be. So, all thanks to you for helping me on my way to bigger and better places. I owe you a lot.
Originally Written:
September 29,
2013
12:06 PM
One Sunday
Afternoon
